Home - Tallahassee

As I sit on my makeshift bed, listening to frogs and the crickets chirruping outside my window, I try to settle this confused center of emotions that has settled onto my chest. I try to shift it so that it's more evenly spread out.

I have mixed emotions about everything. I went to Boston for a class - but also to see if I could find answers and to help a friend find some answers of her own. I think both of us came away empty-handed in many ways. As I write I'm looking at the Totoro plushie she got me while she was away in Kyoto - I keep taking it off my nightstand and holding it and thinking. In more than just one way, her situation resembled what I went through during my last semester - only I got the chance to fix it. For whatever reason, I did and she hasn't yet. The irony is...I didn't deserve a second chance - she did. One of the very few things that I regret about this trip (and I only really reget about three - including this one) is not being able to see her more often - and just be with her. Maybe watch some silly Japanese anime or amazing Miyazaki film together. Especially My Neighbor Totoro - or Princess Monoke. Or....or, there are so many. Oh, and not going to visit her home and eat her delicious food that she's been tempting me with for the past couple of weeks is another thing that I wished I had had more time for.

I left Boston this morning at around 10, after dashing around Commonwealth Ave. helping my Westley to find gifts for my siblings. His stress and the amount of care he put into trying to find and choose gifts really touched me. I left wanting more. I had arrived with some questions and some conclusions which I had come to while on my own. Even when I first got here, I was convinced of certain things. Now, well, now I just have more questions and more emotions than I had intending to come back with. And - I don't do well with distance - but he makes it work...somehow. Often against my better judgment and my fear of leaving behind the road less traveled by - of closing the door to a different reality and possibility. For now, I'm happy to look forward and not think of the other road. The other lives I can imagine for myself. For now - all I want is what I have now - in the present. What can or could have been - will have to wait till later. Right now, now is all I want.

Besides as I said to another, nothing is ever against your better judgment when love is involved. In this case, I think I can agree.