A Conversation

Today - in about a month and a half, I will be sitting in my first law class and trying to survive. Actually, scratch that - not trying.... I will be sitting in my first law class and surviving. The past semester, actually my entire senior year tested me to my emotional and psychological limits. There were moments of doubt, anger, and sadness that left me completely breathless and unable to do anything except sit, gulping at the air like a fish.

As I was talking with my dad, he pointed out that I sounded like I was suffering from PTSD, as if this past year had left me with battle scars that haunted me at night. He's right - but he's also wrong. I'm not crippled by my scars - I'm proud of them; because I know that there's a reason hidden behind each and every one of them. At least I think so. I feel so. And I think my friends can attest to that.

One thing that I felt like I had lost after my grandmother's illness and her passing was my emotional sang-froid. Namely, before I'd get hit by emotions and stress and be completely lost - but their effects would be more contained. I'd be able to absorb the shock. Senior year and the LSAT proved me wrong - dead wrong. Procrastination and terror froze me. And I tried something drastic - hurting someone in the process and doing things completely out of character.
Not to the extent that I started doing drugs or having suicidal thoughts....just caring less about certain things. Or choosing to ignore certain aspects of my life. Or blocking them out - like my family. Or putting myself in situations that I never expected.

So while law school might be the biggest battles of my life...I think I can handle it. I know I can. I've proven it to myself. I'm in the process of healing my (what I call) scars and trying different but my own ways of handling things. :: Cue Motion City Soundtrack's "Even if It Kills Me" ::

I set myself goals. Keep with the reading. Learn. Enjoy. Keep up with the reading. and the assignments. Wake up at 6. .....Keep up with the reading. You get the idea.

Something that seared itself onto my conscious over the process of senior year was this:

You make of it what you want out of it.

I made the most of my senior year in many ways. Maybe not to my potential academically. But it worked. I loved it - well most of it anyway. And without certain people, I'd never have made it. <3

Senior year changed me - mostly back to myself with new and improved aspect as well as with a couple added features. That's not to say that the process was not painful or (vuglarly put) a bitch. It was, times about 2,000. The bad moments were really bad. but the good moments made up for it. My friends and I survived, but we needed each other - and that made every moment worth it.

My question now is: How will law school change me?